Dating Diagnosis: Arrogant Attachment Theory

From the time we are permitted to read Cosmopolitan, the social expectations of sex, and its cruel aftermath, are ingrained in our pre-menstrual psyches.  As a general rule, young girls are strongly advised not to sleep with a guy the first time they meet him.  In the rare case that such a “devious” act happens, paranoia instantaneously sinks in…

“I wonder if I’ll even get a sympathy text tomorrow?”

“Should I have at least pretended to “look” for a condom in my roommate’s room?” 

“I’m really regretting not shaving my happy trail.”

As his perception of our “devious” actions is out of our control, we become consumed by what’s he thinking.  So this poses the question of today’s post – what is he thinking when you don’t sleep with him?

I like to refer to this “Dating Diagnosis” as Arrogant Attachment.  Sparked by a recent hookup experience that has actually happened to me twice, I will consider this occurrence a pattern for the time being.  But if it happens a third time, I’m labeling it a theory.

Last Saturday, I went back to my apartment with Dominic* (who I have met briefly once before).  We fooled around for a while and despite his aggressive attempts, I put up a tough match of “dick dodge-ball.”   The morning was filled with further attempts, flirtation, and him insinuating future plans. 12:32pm.  He meets my roommate upon exiting and she jokingly asks him, “Did Molly fulfill your needs last night?”

His response, “No… I think she’s trying to date me.”

Stop everything at once. Date you? Excuse me.  Joking or not, either way you’re not funny.  I don’t know you.  Remind me, why do I want to start a relationship with you?  But alas, something in the male brain now seems to equate “no sex” with wanting a relationship (and wanting one right away — with a complete stranger).

blog post 3So where did this idea come from? Is this male notion reinforced by society’s consistent need to tell us who we are based on our bedroom behavior?  “Slutty” if we put out, “desperately seeking relationship,” if we decide not to have sex with a stranger.  I say no to sex, and suddenly I’m a clingy, husband-hunter?  The Ginnifer Goodwin character in “He’s Just Not that Into You” is an extreme example, but you know the type.

I would like to set the record straight for all of you men.  For those of us “normal” girls who greatly fear coming across as that desperate/over-bearing type, please leave the post sex-judgment at the bedroom door.   And please do not assume that we are attached to you, you arrogant pricks.  Maybe, we just weren’t that into you.

*Name was changed to protect the privacy of the prick

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